Im at strip club and am horny
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
