How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
