she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I need moral support for this bender
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
