If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
