having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
