Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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