I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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