He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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