im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
