i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize