I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
