i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
