Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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