my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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