yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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