How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
BRING THE BAGELS
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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