just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
