As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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