have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
