i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
