so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
