You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
