Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
