Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
