I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
