Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
