I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
