I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
