i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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