I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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