There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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