my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
