I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i now understand why vodka
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
