I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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