i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
