Screwed.edu
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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