dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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