Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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