I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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