Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
