dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
