my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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