Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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