Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
