Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
