i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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