come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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