I got chris browned last night
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
