Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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