Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
