we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize