she woke up with a sticky ear
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
