They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
