I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
