If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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