Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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