I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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