Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
