I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
