Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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