That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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