i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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