watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
