Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
