Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
40s are totally the cure
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
