Even the bartender felt bad for me
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
