Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
